The last post is barely a newborn, but I'm already back for more. I feel safe here. Tapping away at my keyboard in my quiet house. In a state of mind where I can let the full nature of my emotions drench my mind. Saturating my being with the absolute depth the human condition. The ability to feel.
I can't say I'm alright. I would be lying in a place of honesty. So I won't say that. I am not alright, in fact I feel as vunerable as I ever have before. However, there is a cathartic feeling here. I can whip and abuse myself. Free from the prying eyes of the world. Those pitying stares and empty words of supposed empathy are nonexistent here. I can act myself and allow my emotions to clearly perform for an audience of one. An audience of myself.
The things I feel, the way I feel them and how I act upon my feelings has never seemed normal to me. Happy thoughts are usually a smile away while deep depression is always present. I want to be clean, be proud of my imperfections. Understand that I am sinful and accept salvation. That is difficult to accept right now. My pride doesn't allow me to accept what is free, because I haven't earned it.
That sounds so idiotic when the words sit in front of you. How many things or privelages have I earned my life? I was born in a free country, with a family that loved me and an oppurtunity to succeed in my education. I didn't deserve that. I have been given friends that are loyal throughout. What have I done to warrant this? My parents love me despite my faults. There is no payment I could make to cover this debt.
My sadness stems from my guilt. I have been given so much, to do so little with it. While others suffer, I sit and explore my feelings. I have that freedom, that "right." How do I deserve that? I don't. It hurts me to say that, but I don't. And I just want to give it up. Let someone else have it.
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