The Floor

At this point, I don't have many cares left in this world. My faith is weak. My strength is weak. That ever present phrase I repeat day in and day out, "press on", has lost its meaning. I'm alone, or at least that's how I feel. I would be willing to place a large bet that this will go unread, which is the main reason I'm posting this. My feelings will ultimately be scattered to the far reaches of the unimaginable depths of the internet. They most likely will never be found, and I kinda hope they stay that way.
The pain and sadness that covers me right now is stifling. I can barely breathe or speak to others without bursting. Whether in anger or sadness. These emotions run deep, no amount of anti-depressants have fixed this problem. Will it ever get better? I can't honestly answer that. I'm scared of both outcomes. Hoping for healing, wishing for this promise to come true and only seeing failure is to much to bear right now. Settling for a miserable existence is much to pessimistic, but then again I haven't been positive lately.
Even with the thought of being alone, I can't help but wonder if someone might stumble upon this. Read and digest what I'm saying only to leave in disgust with a click of their mouse. That seems possible, likely in fact. I'm not terribly interesting. I don't have a story to explain my sadness. One day I woke up and realized things were not the way they used to be. Emotions were extreme. My often joyfulness would be replaced in a matter of minutes by stoic silence. Behind the silence was a fight between my powerful doubt in myself and my faith that I was worth something to Jesus Christ. I still believe that I'm worth something, or at least I say I do. The words the come from my mouth, pertaining to myself, often carry a double meaning. I say one thing in order for friends and family to feel at ease with my condition, but secretly know how deep my problems lie. I smoke, I drink and I chase women. According to the secular world I am normal. Another male seeking to fulfill his needs and wants with various degrees of success. To my family, these issues show that I have not fully developed my decision making abilities yet. I'm not sure which Thad I want to be. The one that impresses the world or the one that my family is happy with.
I have desire to fulfill my dreams or ambitions that I dream of. I'm to busy trying to guess what other people want me to do. I'm trapped in my own game of pleasure and I get none from a positive outcome. There is nothing that can fulfill me now, in this moment. I'm far from what I used to be. Content and driven. Now all that remains is an empty pattern of lust and drunkenness. Fuck you Thad for being weak. Fuck you Thad for not knowing what you want. Fuck you Thad, it's best if you just go.